Act Nine: The Tits of Idiocy
Location: The Bigger Sub.

Robin: Jesus! How do we get off top secret US Navy sub without getting caught?
Miklos: Our best shot's the minisub!
Robin: They'll torpedo us in a New York minute!
Miklos: Will you listen? We'll do a no power release, just drift away, it'll be hours before they notice one of their subs is missing.
DQ3: No kidding that would really work?
Miklos: Ah, the Navy loses a dozen subs a year, they just fall off, it'll work!

I'm sorry, what? They just fall off? I'd imagine, in the bizarre world where US submarines have several minisubs each, that someone would have thought of a way to stop them 'just falling off' pretty quickly.

DQ3: Really?
Robin: Oh, enough about the minisubs, we've got to get from the end of the ship to the other, we need a cover.

Yeah, enough about the minisubs, we've got all the information we need on minisubs.

DQ3: Alright, what about here, you guys put these on.

DQ3 grabs a bunch of handy spare uniforms and passes them to Robin and Miklos.

The US Navy has sailors just kept their uniforms hanging around randomly?

DQ3: Just act like, uh, you're part of our, er, entourage. Huh?
Miklos: Entourage?
DQ3: Yeah.
Miklos: What are you talking about?

Robin takes her very well kept hair out of a pony tail, turns it 'sultry' and adopts an awful Southern accent.

Robin: Don't you worrah about me, pretty boy, we've dune this before.

The trio leave the weird gas mask locker, with Robin on DQ3's arm. Coincidently just as someone goes into the locker.

This locker is marked 'Section 47', it'll be important later.

They then stroll down a corridor filled with sailors as DQ3 pretends to conduct a tour.

DQ3: And this is the main access hallway.
Robin: Oh, my oh my, look at all these boys!
DQ3: Don't rest gentlemen, she'll be here all day.
Miklos: Hi.

I know, but just before, when they get to the idiot locker the corridor is empty, but when they leave it is FULL of sailors doing, well, nothing. That's handy.


This is meant to be a TOP SECRET nuclear SUBMARINE on what must logically be its MOST IMPORTANT MISSION EVER and we're expected to believe that the crew are going to believe that two people wearing slacks are just fucking about giving a tour to a random bit of totty?!

I cannot convey the mindlessness of this adequately. I just can't. Hopefully this stands for itself.

Cut to a shot of the submarine powering along.

All fine, it even looks like an Ohio class, except that it's running with both periscopes, the ESM mast, the ULF, LF and HF antennae and the RADAR masts all raised, which is something you just don't do.

Cut to the three popping through a hatch, then up some stairs.

This hatch is 'Section 67' bear with me.

Miklos: Lets go, come on come on come on!

It is revealled that they are in the control room. (The Bridge) Many sailors and officers turn to see them.

DQ3: Uh, well, er, this is the main, er, control room, Miss, uh, June, Cherise, honey.
Robin: Hello boys!

They stroll down through the room past several nonplussed sailors.

Lt. Stew: Excuse me, who are you and who allowed you onto the bridge?

The command area of a submarine is referred to as 'Control' even DQ3 gets this right, but the 2IC, well, he doesn't seem to understand.
But also, of course, this is the character that told the captain that there were three prisoners in the first fucking place. Are we meant to believe that this chudnutz is SO stupid that he can not only accept the idea of a playmate being given a tour of his submarine (but perhaps not the control room) he's OK with his not knowing about it, and is incapable of associating the idea of there being three prisoners on board with the sudden appearance of three people he doesn't know?

This, by the way, is a close up of Lieutennet Stew's medals. With help from some guys over at MilitarySpot I have been able to identify his ribbons.

And yes, all his medals are from the Air Force or are available across all services. This guy is in the wrong branch of the military. He also appears to have served in the Vietnam War and the liberation of Kuwait, and is still serving in 2003.

Robin: I, ee, uh, excuse me officer, but I insisted, it wasn't his fault!
Lt. Stew: Oh, I'm er, sorry miss I'm still gonna have to ask you to leave!
Robin: Officer, there is one thing I have always wanted to do!

Robin hugs a wall.

Robin: That's a me close, take a picture!
Miklos: Ms. Honey, sorry, I, er, security! Ha ha! I left the camera in the stateroom!

What is this? This TOP SECRET Navy SUBMARINE is fitted with STATEROOMS?! What the fuck? For the first class ticket holders?!

Robin: Oh! You Navy boys and your darn security! You know what? They'd have to do to me to make me talk!
DQ3: OK, that's, just about, enough, there, miss, June, meerkat, sailors all, wet, now.
Robin: Bye boys!

DQ3 escorts them back out of the control room. The second in command of the entire fucking boat gets back to his job with a simple raised eyebrows and a 'well, what the hell' expression.

Cut to: The Brig, where Foster is beating up the door in a very angry way.

Foster: Security, we have a code four situation, prisoners have escaped, and get someone to open this holding room ASAP!

That's right, the marine guy was beating on the door despite having his radio with him. He's just that dangerous. Plus, the whole point of having commonly encountered situations catagorised by number, such as the police code numbers, is to convey the bulk of the problem quickly and clearly. Repeating what the number means afterwards is only going to slow you down and confuse people.

Cut to: The Bridge where the Captain is arriving via a floor hatch.

Captain: What the hell's going on here?!
Lt. Stew: Foster's called a Code Four security breach sir!

The Captain grabs the phone.

Captain: Foster, what the hell happened?
Foster: I'm sorry, sir, they escaped!

OK, Code Four seams to mean 'Escaped Prisoners' so, as we have to assume the Captain knows what this means, you can transcribe the above as...
Captain: Foster, what the hell happened with the prisoners escaping?
Foster: Sorry, sir, they escaped!

Captain: They escaped?
Foster: I'm afraid they got the drop on us, they're armed, they killed one of our men.

Well, I'm not an expert but generally the 'ownership' of the men would be held by their senior officer, not by someone in another service, so it's 'my men' you idiot.

Captain: Two civilian men and a woman get the drop on your marines? You're fired!

The woman of course, is not a civilian. Oh, yes, and you're FIRED?! FIRED?! What the hell?!

Foster: If you don't mind I'm gonna kill 'em first!
Lt. Stew: Uh, sir...
Captain: What the hell is it?!
Lt. Stew: I believe they made their way down through the rear accessway, sir.

Ah, the penny drops.

Captain: (On the phone) They're in the rear command centre access hall.

The captain doesn't know the control room thing either.

Cut to: The brig, where Foster is beating up the bunk now.

Foster: Ah! Come on!

Cut to: Our heroes meandering down a hall way, the door opens, the submarine fires an active sonar pulse, our heroes duck into doorways and Foster opens up with a machine gun, whilst four marines also open up with assault rifles from behind him.

Foster: Cover!

The marines duck back just in time for our heroes to open up with their pistols.

This is a tactic known as suppressing fire. The idea is to make the enemy too afraid to emerge from cover, thereby pinning them to their location. This is done to allow some of your guys to move safely to another location, for a variety of reasons. There is no military tactic which would consist of shooting a lot of ammo in the general direction of the enemy if you KNOW that you cannot hit them and you have NO REASON WHATEVER to move your troops.
Similarly, when you yell 'cover' you're pretty much telling the enemy that you're;
A: About to stop shooting and
B: about to get in cover.
So, when the enemy stick their heads out and see no-one at all, they will logically do the only rational thing and let loose a fusillade of bullets from their pistols and hit fuck all.

Miklos: We've got one clip each, we've got to make it last!

Maybe firing off a few clips worth a few seconds ago at a door made of steel wasn't all that bright, then.

Foster: Oi, cease fire! Cease fire! Surrender now, you'll be treated fairly!
Miklos: They're going to have a squad up here in no time!

A squad that isn't the squad shooting at them? Are there other pressing security concerns on this submarine?

DQ3: Cover me!

DQ3 jumps from Door A to Door B whilst shooting in mid air.

'Cover me' tends to mean either 'supress the enemy by shooting at them to keep their heads down', or, 'keep an eye out and shoot at anyone who looks like they might be about to shoot me'. It doesn't really mean 'do nothing until I've got through that door, and then get through that door yourself'.

Miklos leaps through.

DQ3: Come on, Robin!

Robin actually walks through firing with her eyes shut.
DQ3 has opened a big venty thing in the floor.

DQ3: We're over a shark tank!
Miklos: Those are Great Whites! This isn't swim with the dolphins at SeaWorld!

Our heroes have acquired some information here from uncertain means, one is forced to wonder how they know it's a shark tank, and not, for example, a guppy tank. Also, Miklos can't see into the tank, and no one has said anything else, so, how does he know they're Great Whites? None of our three have seen them, nor has anyone said anything about the species at any point. There's been no reason to suspect that the Navy have had anything to do with this, and yet, oddly, our intrepid heroes have become aware of the plot.

DQ3: They're probably electronically sedated right now, OK?

Do what? Electronically sedated? Someone hit them on the head with an iPod? Plus, what?! I mean, why the fuck would you assume they're sedated?! Why would you also, presumably, think that this is a good way to get off the boat? And why the fuck would the Navy put huge vents into the floor of random rooms that you can;
A: Lift up without a screwdriver and
B: Easily fall through.

DQ3: I guarantee you, we can swim out this way!

Based on what? His expert knowledge of the layout of a submarine he's been on for all of a few minutes? Even if they did, bear in mind that they're meant to be over a mile underwater and they haven't pressurised, so the instant they hit the ocean they'll be crushed and die before drowning trying to swim upwards a mile to the surface of the ocean without a boat.

Miklos: I guarantee we're going to be an afternoon snack, what the hell do you know?!
Robin: OK, you stay here and surrender yourself to Sergeant Rock!
DQ3: Spree.
Robin: Three!

Robin and DQ3 leap into the tank, which looks strangely like the interior of a common swimming pool, replete with dinky tiles and stuff.

Miklos has stepped back into the corridor being filled with nasty bullets so as to make a more heroic dive.
But then gets up and just jumps in. The Marines run through and get to the vent.

Foster: Captain, they've escaped into the shark tank!

Why this line isn't an internet meme escapes me...

Cut to: Our heroes swimming through a shark tank.

A few shots from below clearly show that the ceiling is a LONG way above them, and fitted with enormous spotlamps, just as if they were in a bog-standard swimming pool.

Act Eight: The Bigger Submarine

Act Ten: Dr Old and the Exposition of Doom


Oh, all right, all right.

Here are some tits.