DARK WATERS

Now, not everyone knows this, but I collect shark films, and submarine films, so, what could be better than a shark film set on a submarine?

Well, just about anything it turns out.

Don't get me wrong, I knew in advance that this would be a bad film. I actually like bad films, I get a weird superior feeling watching how badly people can screw up and I genuinely love that amazing amounts of hyperbole and cliche Nu Image, UFO, SciFi originals or the Asylum manage to put in. Really, I do.

This particular gem was SO bad that I found myself drawn to write a critique. When I started, though, I found there was some fairly serious bones of contention with about every other line, and so ended up writing this, which is essentially a transcript of the entire film, with my thoughts and observations on how it screwed up, where it screwed up and generally how awful it is.

I figure most people who end up on this page did so by accident, and I'm virtually certain many who do will skip straight ahead to the Act I have subtitled 'The Tits of Doom!' but just in case you're thinking of doing so, lemme tell you up front that that section contains no nudity at all, and isn't titillating in any way shape or form. Which also describes the entire film.

One of the things I love about this film is that the script was clearly written by someone whose first language was not english, even though the writers are credited as Brett Orr, who amusingly is listed as a camera production assistant by IMDB, which I figure means he loads film, and Phillip J. Roth, who is American. The reason I suspect this is that when the dialogue gets thick with shouting, many of the lines omit their articles, which is characteristic of a whole bunch of languages, but not english. Things like;

Dr Combs: We spoke to Doctor?
Captain: He one who actiwated the code!

Awesome, yes.

Anyway.

 

Act One: The Prologue

Act Two: Recruiting some assholes.

Act Three: Getting the 'Mission'.

Act Four: The plane! The plane!

Act Five: Where did we park the submarine?

Act Six: Voyage To The Bottom

Act Seven: Having Fun on the Station

Act Eight: The Bigger Submarine

Act Nine: The Tits of Idiocy

Act Ten: Dr Old and the Exposition of Doom

Act Eleven: The Battle of the Catwalks

Act Twelve: Wait, we won? Dang!

Act Thirteen: Bomb? What bomb?

Act Fourteen: The Great Escape!

Act Fifteen: Adrift on a Sea of Sharks