This one has me baffled beyond measure. I've passed it on to several friends to see if they could get any more sanity out of it than I could to no avail. One student of psychology suggested that the writer seemed to be retarded and possibly dangerously psychotic. The third email I received no less than four times after I had the temerity to go away between friday evening and sunday afternoon. As an addendum these keep on coming, I may be getting a lot of these.

But now the end is near
And so he faces
The end of e-mail.

This guy is clearly so far out of his tree he's never going to be able to find his stash of nuts again.

From: Laurie McCall (AKA Hayner McCloud)

To: Requests

Dear Requests@colonialchrome.co.uk, I would like to complement you the on the ship’s you drew up for the site. They look awesome. I have a request I would like you to do draw up a Dash Rendar’s ‘b’ Scale Yt-2400 freighter deck plan and the outside of the Dash Rendar’s ‘b’ Scale Yt-2400 freighter with the same exact sensor dish or satellite dish that the millennium falcon has, why you ask? Well I am completely blind and as a resolute cant’t see out of my eye’s so I can’t do this by myself so could you please draw this up for me and my nephew. Me and my nephew want you to add a concealed retractiable laser cannon to the ship and show it on the deck plan and please point it out. If you don’t want to do this for us I understand. Oh in the beginning I forgot to mention that my nephew want’s to say your drawings are nice. (oh my nephew is only five years only.) We would like the ship also to have two concussion missile launchers where the cargo hold is and point out please, large secret cargo hold somewhere in the deck plan please point it out, cloaking device in the deckplan somewhere please point it out, and me and my nephew would also like a sensor jammer added in the deck plan please point it out. Like said please do this for a completely blind man and his nephew, but if you don’t want to do this for me and my nephew you don’t have to. If you do though me and my nephew would like the ship to be named The Shadow Weaver, the outside of the ship to be completely grey, except for the cockpit glass. Oh I almost forgot, me and my nephew also would like a medical bay add to the ship deck plan and pointed out please, but that’s only if there’s room after the concussion missile addition.

Thanks for your kind words.

Let me get this straight; you would like to request a YT-2400 B scale with;

1: A FabriTech Mark VII RecTenna
2: A Concealed Taim & Bak Medium Repeating Blaster
3: A pair of concussion missile launchers
4: A Sensor jammer
5: A large secret cargo hold
6: A medical bay
7: A cloaking device

1: A FabriTech Mark VII RecTenna
2: A Concealed Taim & Bak Medium Repeating Blaster
3: A pair of concussion missile launchers
4: A Sensor jammer
None of these would represent a problem, though the concussion missile launchers would be better placed in the fore structural arm or in the same place Rendar has them; under the cockpit. There's no reason to rip out sections of the cargo hold when there are perfectly good void areas already in the hull.

5: A large secret cargo hold
How do you mean large? I would consider a large smugglers hole as being about the size of a telephone booth. Where were you thinking of having it, and how were you planning on disguising it?

6: A medical bay
Outfitting a medical bay in a freighter is fraught with problems. Firstly there's the cost issue, generating a sterile environment, obtaining highly specialist expensive droids, medical supplies, equipment, status beds, diagnostic computers. All of these things are prohibitively expensive. If you even vaguely think about bacta then you're talking about governmental levels of expenditure.
Secondly there's the issue of suspicion. Why would a tramp freighter captain need a medical bay? Who are they expecting to treat? For what reason would a captain spend enough money that they could purchase a much larger and more powerful ship on such a bay? There are no good genuine reasons for it, and so if the ship encountered any quasi-official attention it would be almost immediately stripped down to discover its secrets. In my campaigns simply having something like this would generally be considered sufficient grounds to terminate the captain on charges of sedition. Certainly the ship would be taken to pieces, and then your smugglers holes would be pointless, wouldn't they?
Thirdly there's the issue of where exactly you were planning on locating it? There is perhaps enough room in terms of square meterage on the ship, but there is precious little headroom.

7: A cloaking device
I have to draw your attention to the line "No ship that small has a cloaking device." It is as true now as it was then. The 2400 is even smaller than the 1300. I also draw your attention to the only ship alleged to mount such a sophisticated stealth system that one might refer to it as a cloak; the Infiltrator. The device proposed as the cloak is a huge wedge shape occupying well over two thirds of the mass of the ship. That isn't even a full cloak, just a stealth kit. Combined with the undeniable fact that Maul is a Sith and capable of all manner of trickery of his own and one comes to the unmistakable conclusion that cloaking devices, if they exist at all, are VAST and so expensive that even the Galactic Empire cannot afford to mount them on its ships, not even on its flagship.

I have but few guidelines on requests, the relevant one to this discussion is that I only do requests for ships that I would be comfortable with in my campaign. That is to say if I don't think the design is credible I won't do it. This rig you have detailed is fine right up until the medical bay and the cloaking device. put simply I will NOT do a ship with a cloaking device under any conceivable circumstances and I would have to have an exceedingly good reason before I put in any kind of medical bay.

If you would address the points I have raised and would be happy with the constraints I have imposed and still want to request this vessel, then I could probably have a roll out of the final design around christmas.

Regards

Admiral

Dear Admiral I understand the reasons completely why the medical bay would cause problems, but thought I mentioned that some of this stuff was optional but I see now that I did not mention that. I understand the problem with putting In the medicial bay and the cloaking device Me and my nephew have spent hours trying to decide where to put the medical bay and cloaking device,but can't decide where to put a medical bay. If the medicial bay will cause a really big problem me and my nephew agree that you are to not put in the medical bay. Me and my nephew have agreed also that you are to not put in the cloaking device. But we understand that you need a specific place to put the secret cargo hold. I am typing this on my nephew commuter he's pointing the letters out I say I need to type he's going to decide where to put the secret cargo hold. Mean while I am going to make a point that I did not mention last time I emailed you. First of all I forgot to mention this, but if you can find any cloaking device to put in someplace in the ship Please let us know but like I said we have also agreed that if you can't find any cloaking device that can be put on the ship in a place of your chosing you are to not put in the cloaking device, but that's only if it will cause as many problems as you said and there is no place on the ship that you could chose that would fit it. My nephew has decided that if there are concussion missile launchers under the cockpit do not put and weapons were the cargo hold is. My nephew you has pointed tout that he would like the secret cargo hold in the hall way that goes around the turret gunwell/ladder, but in a place of your chosing in the hall way around the gunwell. The Concealed retractible laser cannon will put in a place of your chosing as well. But the senor jammer any where you like. Oh nasd the reason asked for a cloaking device is me and my nephew know there is a cloaking device on the millinium falcon. My nephew and I would like to ask if the fabrictech Mark VII RecTenna, is the sattlite dish I mentioned. If you have any problems with anything I have said I would advices you to contact me right away but please send it to deserstorm@bendcable.com right away.

Now I have a some request for you on the side for you. My nephew you has many different ideas for modifications for some of your cursers and unque starships.My nephew you helped me with the ideas I have for customizing the ship to my own needs. My nepehew would like to have you modify a ship to his need's. I can tell you that me and my nephew agree that you may show all of our ideas in ships on your sight. We would like to be addressed as the McCloud Wisards Design/fleet systems if you decide to show our ideas for some of your ships and the yt-2400 named shadow weaver and say that it was McCloud Wisard Seniar Systems/Fleet sytems ideas and they designed it with your help. We want you to say we asked to and help us if you show our ideas. If you show our designs and the yt 2400 freight on your site, the allow the leaders of the McCloud Wisards Seniar Design/Fleet systems you are now offered an official membership of the McCloud family. I am Hayner McCloud and my nephew is Seifer McCloud and we are now accepting you as one of our honorary family members, and you will be called onto make several...... modifications to some ships we have chosen from your sight, and to add the modifications and you will get as much of the credit for the modifications as we do. But you have the finally say on wether you want to be a member of the mcCloud family and the invitation to join the McCloud family is a great honor many would except it, but we only offer it to some of the most highly respected ship designers in our eyes. It is also your Choice to do the contracts with us we offer. If you don't want to be a member that's fine with us. On the condition that our commany's will be friends. Oh and we have not created a site, because our ideas classified top secret ideas that the McCloud wizard Seniar Design/fleet systems, only give to those who are ally's and friends in our eyes. Oh If you don't join or Friends. Now the Hayner McCloud and Seifer mcCloud of the McCloud wizards Seniar Design/Fleet Systems would like you to show all of the ides we have for the ships we have chosen form your sight and to show the Yt 2400 freigher we have asked to be modified and it's name the shadow weaver to be shown on your sight but like I said even if you dotn accept our invition you will still be aloud to design ship's for us.If you have anymore questions or problems or suggestions we would like to hear it.

Dear Admiral,

I assume you got my message and I wanted to tell you that we a are not just offering membership in the mcCloud family just because you’re a great ship design, invited you to join the family which would make you have a say on witch ships we modify from your sight and to show where friends I am contacting from our secret headquarters. To tell you that the ship needs to be finalized at Christmas time. Or we could lose a lot of our business opportunities. I understand it will take time but go as efficient, orderly, and as accrete as possibly.

From , the McCloud wizards Seniar Design/Fleet Systems Leaders,

Hayner McCloud and Seifer McCloud.

 

I have attempted to decipher your last email, and have found it almost impossible to do so. Let me be frank, here, as it may save a great deal of time.

I can only assume that your emails have been 'in character'. If so then I must say that I do not appreciate it. My site is not 'in-character' and so I can't imagine why you would think this is the best method of attracting my attention.

Working on my assumption I have to further assume from your syntax, lack of punctuation and spelling skills that you are a child.

It is only on this basis (your apparent age) that this reply will be as polite as it is, this represents a fourth edition and has been substantively reduced in vituperation thanks to the calming influence of my betrothed.

I do not appreciate being badgered, being given orders, or invited to any kind of spurious cabal, all of which you indulged in several times in your epistleneaous nonsense.

My work takes me many hours, it is frustrating and exceedingly difficult and I do it for free, for the sole reason that I have been told often that my work would benefit the games of thousands of people, as indeed it appears to do. In addition to this time, having an advert free website costs me a significant amount of money. I am telling you this because it is my hope you will understand that getting requests for childish munchkin pieces like yours seriously depletes the chances I will renew my site next year.

On the only succinct datum you gave, you are incorrect, the Millennium Falcon does NOT possess a cloaking device. I cannot imagine how you could watch the classic trilogy and form that opinion.

I have no idea what your ramblings about the family refer to. It is far from clear what you mean. The only way I can take it is that you have some kind of bizarre plan to 'allow' me to be in some way affiliated with you. I must say I flattered; my site is rapidly becoming a byword for quality deckplans, and I have outstripped my service provider's limits twice in six months. I see clearly how ditching all of that to become some third rate functionary of a deranged and asinine project would dramatically improve both my reputation and standing in the community.

I must make the time here to say how pleased I am that even if I turn down your foolishness I will still be 'aloud' sic to spend hours of my life generating unpaid pieces of work for your idiotic and ridiculous conceptual shambles.


I will take the time to point out very simply and with my last traces of hope;

You do not have my permission to alter my designs and host them in any way publicly.

Any attempt to do so will result in immediate action.

All my work is copyright and secured as detailed in the legal section of my site.


Finally I will say that if for some weird reason you wish to hire me on my paying rates, I would be pleased to do this ship and any others. For a customised 2400 B in the manner you specify my fees amount to £325 Sterling ($606.30) Any other work will be priced according to the time invested.

 

Just to let you know I am a high school student you moron and would like to say if your getting paid that much for ship designs then you need to go back to pre-school. Further more I would never ever steal any of your designs I said I would do the designs with your damn permission if you know how to read what it says in the damn paragraph and regret to inform I did not type in any information on anything in the site you have saying I had to pay for this so you can’t demand money and payment for this when I did not fucking put info in a page that said I have to pat and you never put the page in ADMIRAL!!!!!!!!!!! SO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS FOR FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This time around. LoL! And you can’t sue me or threaten me in any way. Rolling on the floor with laughter. I can’t even afford that I should say something total outrages right now that includes a lot of curse words. I can tell you that my business is secret no one knows about it except for the members of this company. We a real business and you should learn to respect our business we just want this ship done and we chose you and you lol at us well couldn’t expect much from someone who doesn’t’ understand what it’s like to be poor at all almost never being able to afford stuff Hmph remind me to tell you why how we even managed to by house or car or computer or anything for that matter we sell stuff to people that we buy and make even more money by ripping them off and telling them there are no refunds. We are lucky even to get 50 bucks and I am blind and I am in high school already and every in my family has done this ripping people off and saying refunds were lucky to get 50 bucks and my great,great,great grandfather started it so we are lucky and right know we need all of our money and we can’t afford a new car or what your demanding well if your. I don’t appreciate any of this at all so I am cutting to the chase and ending this you won’t be getting any deals if you don’t’ learn that this is no page in your website asking for a credit card number at all so you will have to do this for free or be some one who need’s a life and don’t worry I will be happy to tell you that i would be using these designs with your damn permission as I mentioned. And you’re a fool if you think the millennium falcon does not have a cloaking device because it does but since I can not convince you I see I was foolish even to think I could believe that you would be helpful in anyway to me or my family to help us design ships. I will say good day and I hope you realize that ripping off some one who can no longer afford what you ask is a crime and make’s you the worst person on earth good day I hope you learn to get life you will be blocked off my mail’s list if you continue to demand this money and I said I would ask for your damn permission to modifies your ship’s witch tick’s me off that you think I am stealing your designs first of all you damn Admiral the idea to put a senor jammer, retractable laser cannon, and a radar dish on the Yt-2400 freighter was mine. So I should just so you can go cry home like a cry baby. I will also block you off if you continue to insult my family.

From, McCloud Wizards Senior design/fleet systems,

and Hayner McCloud.

P.S I am not being rude I am just stating a damn fact.

Firstly allow me to say how entertaining I find your capacious insanity.

I have been aware that you are a little boy since your first email to me. Your age has never been an issue in whether or not I would consider doing a request for you. Your attitude and obvious troubles with both the english language and activity in the frontal cortices have, however.

You seem to have made the assumption that I ought to deal with you on your level, as a child. To you this may seem reasonable and appropriate. In time you will understand that it is not. In time, should you remember being publicly dressed down by your peers, you may come to see for yourself that expecting a very busy adult to waste a great deal of time on the petulant demands of a callow child is a revolting habit shared only by the young and spoilt larval forms of the specie. I will not stoop to such a low level and whilst I am aware that you can only understand approximately fifty percent of the words in this message and it will therefore most likely prove fruitless in the long run, I will only respond to you on my level, if you wish to converse with me, then you should expect to be berated with the full power of my control of the english language.

I would also like to take the time to mention that you have become the first person to receive the Colonial Chrome Space Monkey Award for extreme and laughable adventures in imbecility. You may find the relevant page under the miscellaneous section.

( http://www.colonialchrome.co.uk/moron03.htm )

I might also say that claiming to be penniless in the same sentence that you claim to have some kind of ongoing 'ripping off business' is the worst kind of idiocy; it is both mutually exclusive and admission of criminal activity. That one earns a pat on the little fluffy head you so evidently have no genuine use for.

As a handy piece of advice; whilst you are in your high school it would benefit you to request special attention from a tutor with regards both your incomprehensible grammar almost absent punctuation and intolerable spelling. All of these factors make it difficult to understand your babbling nonsense. At the same time perhaps you ought to attempt to expand your vocabulary as doing so might possibly allow you to read a carefully crafted epistle with a degree of comprehension somewhat superior to that of the mallard, a skill you evidently have no grasp of as yet.

I would also urge you to research the definitions of both 'rudeness' and 'facts' before making completely and verifiable untrue statements in your post scripts. You use the words 'fucking' and 'damn' with wild abandon which is rude. I, on the other hand, am using a fairly standard vocabulary to insult you in ways you don't even understand without having to resort to as much as capital letters.

Do please keep these madness-fueled polemics coming, I can't tell you how much we are enjoying them here, your first three have already done the rounds at my local.

As a final thought for the day, I wonder what you understand by the cyberism 'whois'?

I don’t recall bossing you around, or demanding things, at all 
YOU DO NO HAVE MY PERMISSION SHOW ANY SORT OF PORNAGRAPH ON ANY SIGHT OR EVEN SHOW, ME DOING IT WITH A GUY AND GIRL ON A BED ON ANY SITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOL! ROFL  
Screw you
I am a sophomore in high school and no one every believes me no matter what I do so go to hell

 

Point 1: It is far outside my purview to remind you of your previous communiques. Nor is it within that purview to recommend you to seek physcological advice for your memory loss.

Point 2: It wasn't my intention to do so, but if you would care to make such evidence of you 'doing it' with a guy (and a girl, sorry, sleight omission) then perhaps I could host if for you. On the other hand since you and I both know that the closest you've come to it is whacking off to the Seers catalogue perhaps this would be better left until you've actually grown your own set of genitals?

Point 3: I believe you. I really do. I am deeply concerned about you.

LoL rofl, I am sane I am sorry to say but I can be demented some time’s I read the article you put on your site I realize how much of an asshole I”ve been to you I am sorry but I was rofl and lol so ahrd at the thing on your site you put on about my email I I am dieing of laughter over here about! Lo! Rofl! Oh that was good but serieslly! I only am not paying because what you ask for several reasons.

Not one page asking for credit card number asked for on a page.
No page asking showing your address to mail money
No personal info asked for like most site’s do along with the credit card number so they know how to get the money some one say’s they are going to pay you but don’t’:
That are all of my reasons but I can not say how sorry I am to have caused you trouble. So I will get any of my ideas used by you or any company because of the embarrassing thing I did so I won’t say or ask you to do anything for me I will just have to figure out how to draw this and my ideas for the yt-2400 my self.I will never contact you or any of your cohort’s again! So long better get started on drawing my ideas out sigh!

Dear Admiral, I trust you got our message . I am contacting you from our secret headquarters. To tell you that we need the Yt-2400 Freighter done by Christmas. If we don’t have it done well then I understand. I am here to say we would like to talk to you about some ships we would likie to midi fie some ships on your site to our specifications and we also would like you to do a Sith Infltrator Courer for us that was a request from my nephew.


Dear Admiral thank you for believing I ma in high school